Love Lost Read online

  I do miss the security of a man holding me in his arms like a father does his daughter. I miss the laughter we shared. Derrick said I should talk to someone about it and I took his advice.

  I met with a psychologist and she really helped with putting my life into perspective. Dr. Smith or Dr. S as I like to call her, told me since childhood I was trying to fill the hole my birth father has created. All these men who I wanted to love me but hurt me, are fill-ins for my father. Dr. S calls it my illegitimate concept of men. Implying, I built up this false view on the role men presume to play in my life instead of possessing a more realistic view. We both agree the absence of my father plays a large part. I never knew what real love from a man felt like so I went out and found it in all the wrong ways. She suggested I go out and experience life and find out who I am before I became an official mother.

  So with the help of Derrick I did, we wrote a list of things I would love to try; a few things like poetry and knitting stuck. I took cooking classes and painted naked men at the art museum; I volunteered at the homeless shelter and camped outside for a week. There was nothing holding me back, I was living life and loving myself.

  Now here I am sitting at the Poet’s Spot, a nice café where writers go to express their work. I’m in this week’s contest up against some the best in Toledo, the biggest competition I have is Antonio Crumby. He has the creativity of an Angel and the words of a 19th century poet. But I’m not here to be competitive; I just want to express myself through words. After ten other contestants take the stage I’m the last to step up and take the microphone. In full animation mode, I say my poem.

  "Hello everyone my name is Ashley Harrison, and this is a piece I call My Little Black Book of Boyfriends”

  “I’m stuck in this alternate reality, on how I perceive the way of life

  See pain and suffering is all I know

  I have walked in the wilderness of confusion and non-devotion

  Because pain and suffering

  is all I know

  And here I’m wondering in circles of frustration and flirting with anger as if we were on a first date making kiss kiss kissy faces at each other

  All the while temptation is sitting on the horizon waiting for his chance

  If anger fails than temptation will surely be there to pick up

  where anger left off

  But I’m constantly being stalked by resentment who I thought I was over but surely I’m not

  left turn right turn forwards back STOP envy just sent me an email

  He wants to get together and talk about my brothers sister

  aunts uncles and cousins

  I met up with Evil and now I’m pregnant with rage

  When is this damn book going to be over I’ll just skip to the last page

  (Ha Ha) Here we go this last page was all I needed to know

  For the last page wasn’t filled from top to bottom with words

  or left to right with phrases

  Yet it has all the advice

  I needed to know

  Three letters was all it had it wasn’t a word but a powerful name G-O-D

  Now I know that pain and suffering was all I knew

  To get to the finish line it was something I had to go through.”

  I finish with a bow to my audience and they respond with snaps of appreciation. All I can feel is a love that no man could ever provide me with; I love me finally.

  Ashley

  The restaurant is dimly lit with candles guarding the walls. Rose petals are scattered across all the tables alternating with red and white. Smells of garlic and random spices filled the air; my stomach was talking to me letting me know it was time to eat. I steal a glance at the beautiful fabric that drapes the walls from ceiling to floor. The fabric is dressed with the colors of love; red, white, and pink.

  I look back at Derrick who is sitting there with a dumb look on his face, it’s the same look I fell in love with. Although we have been dating only a few months and I’m pregnant with a child that isn’t his, I fell in love with him. He has stuck with me since my second trimester, he has done everything that Marcus should have and that’s more of why I fell in love with him. My psychologist even said that it was healthy for me to open up to him because a good man only comes around every so often.

  Now that I’m in my last trimester and the baby is ready to come, I wonder every day whether Derrick will stick around. He’s done everything that Marcus should have, such as buying the crib and setting it up. Derrick even painted the baby’s room and bought a wardrobe to put all the baby clothes from my baby shower.

  "Ashley, I know it’s only been a few months but I have fallen in love with you," Derrick says as he grabs my hand. Butterflies fight against the walls of my stomach as soon as his hands touch mines.

  "And I feel the same way," I say as a squeeze his hand.

  "I know and we haven’t talked about this but I wanna be a father to your daughter," he says sounding very confident.

  "Well that is a really big responsibility and I would hate to put you in that position Derrick."

  "You’re not I wanna do this because for the woman I love," he says getting on one knee.

  "What’s going on Derrick?"

  "Will you do me the honor of being my wife and taking my last name?"

  "Wow," I say practically speechless. My hurt is pounding, goose bumps form on my arms and the wind is escaping from my lungs leaving me breathless. I stay still with no sound coming from my mouth for two minutes.

  "Yes Derrick I will, I love you with all my heart and you are the best thing to happen to me."

  "Babe you have just made me the happiest man alive. I already asked your mother for your hand in marriage and she had no problem in saying yes."

  "I can’t believe I’m getting married," screeching sounds come from my mouth. “Did you have a specific date in mind?"

  "Well actually I did, tomorrow morning your mom has everything set up for us."

  "SHIT!"

  "If you don’t like that idea we can change it?"

  "No it not you, the date is perfect. Marcus and Star just walked in."

  "What," Derrick says as he shuffles around until he is staring at them.

  "Can we please leave, I don’t want to ruin this night," I ask as I stand up.

  We both collect our things and head towards the exit; I can feel Marcus eyes trying to steal a moment with my eyes. I don’t let it happen and I try my best to hide my stomach but at this point it’s almost impossible. Star doesn’t even acknowledge my presence and she stares at the floor the whole time. She looks very sad and depressed; I think I saw a black eye.

  Star

  Why did we have to run into her of all people tonight, I thought I was going to have a nice quiet evening with Marcus but that isn’t going to happen not after seeing Ashley. If I’m not mistaken I saw a baby bump the size of Texas on Ashley. I would bet my life that Marcus is the father of that baby. I can imagine he’s thinking the exact thing. How could it not be, they just recently broke up, and she is looking at least seven or eight months. I just hope Marcus doesn’t hold me responsible, like he does everything else. If he ties his shoes strings wrong it’s my fault. Yesterday he repeatedly punched me in my face because his clothes weren’t ironed the way Ashley does it. But the one thing Marcus can focus on other than me ruining his life would be that baby, but Ashley probably won’t allow him to see the baby. If I can deliver Marcus his baby in exchange for my freedom than he’ll have to let me go.

  We follow the hostess to our table; she has on a black button down blouse with a black pencil skirt. I watch as Marcus follows her ass with his eyes. At this point I don’t care what his primary focus is on as long as it’s not me.

  "Here you guys go, and your waitress will be with you in a moment. Just give her ten minutes," she says as she hands us our menus.

  "Thanks," I say with a hint of sarcasm.

  "I know one thing you better fix your attitude when you out with m
e," Marcus says giving me a hard stare.

  "Did you see the size of Ashley’s belly; you think it’s my baby?"

  I respond, "I was wondering when you were going to bring that up? Yes I think it’s your baby, she’s at least 8 months pregnant maybe even nine."

  "That’s what I was thinking, but how could she keep that from me," he asks.

  "After what happened who can blame her," I say quickly regretting my words.

  "What, everything that happened was a result of yo little nasty ass. My life was perfect before I let you hop on my shit, you ain’t nothing but a dumb ghetto ass bitch," he raises his voice with each word. I think I struck a nerve with my statement.

  "I’m sorry I didn’t mean to speak to you that way, but how serious are you about that baby," I ask.

  "Very serious, Ash knows that’s the one thing I wanted more than anything period."

  "Well let me make it up to you," I say hoping he will like what I’m planning.

  "Make what up and how," he asks leaning his body over the table.

  "Hi, my name is Bonnie and I will be your waitress for the night. Can I take your order please," a perky white waitress asks holding a pen and pad in her hand. She flips her blonde hair back and forth several times while taking our orders.

  After the waitress walks away I continue with our conversation, "I want to make up what I did to you and if you’re serious about the baby I have a plan for you."

  "What is it and it bet not be some old psychotic type shit or I will go ape on your ass."

  "Naw, it ain’t like that, if you want your baby I know I can deliver it to you."

  "I’m listening," he says sitting back in his chair while folding his arm.

  "Well I figured if I could get the baby for you, it will settle the problem between the two of us."

  "What about Ashley, are you really willing to take a baby away from its mother so easily," his says leaning towards me with a smirk on his face. I get a feeling of uneasiness in my stomach.

  "Well I thought…"

  He cuts me off to say, "I tell you what if you can deliver me my baby I’ll give you ten thousand in cash plus I’ll leave and you will never see my face again."

  Ashley

  Love never does the chasing, people chase love. Love never gives back what you put into it, so why do people still pursue it?

  "Why does it seem like every man that comes into my life leave me," I ask.

  "Girl because that’s what you’re used to, so it’s what you expect," my new friend Michelle answers.

  "I agree if all you every grew up around is men who don’t show you the proper love, how do you know what real love feels like when you finally receive," my friend Alice ask.

  "I really don’t know Alice, I thought Marcus was real love and we see how that one turned out," I respond.

  Just a few months ago Marcus and I were deeply in love; here I am now getting married to another man. Derrick has been so wonderful to me and there is no doubt that I love him. He looks so handsome. Hair is dark and wavy, with a lot of shine; he has dimples in his cheeks so deep. His eyes are a beautiful hazel tone and speak innocence when I look into them. Skin dark like a plum and smooth like buffered wood. But his feet are like the spawn of a vicious dog with rabies, waiting to attack.

  "Girl, after all you’ve been through and all you’re going through now; are you sure this is the right answer," Michelle ask. After meeting Michelle at the hotel she owns, we have become really good friends. And it’s also good for networking purposes on both our parts.

  "Yes, I really do love him and I know it’s only been a few months since we first started dating and only last night since he proposed but it just feels right. I mean I can’t let a good man go like that."

  "But what if he turns out to be the opposite and then you’re stuck in a bad marriage with a child," Alice chimes in. We have been friends for years. If I wasn’t hanging with Star than Alice and I would meet for lunch to gossip about our lives. Ever since my falling out with Star, Alice has been there with a box of tissues and her shoulder to lean on.

  We’re all seated in the dressing room like a bunch of teenagers gossiping. The room is well lit with the natural light of the morning sun. The white walls are crisp and dressed with colorful paintings. The king size bed is holding our clothes, shoes, and accessories. And the vanity has a mirror that stands watching our gossip session.

  "It’s really not like that with him, especially since my mother approves of him and she doesn’t like anyone."

  "With good reason too, she never liked Star trifling tail and your mother turned out to be right," Alice says.

  "Pull your slip up," Michelle says while helping me up out of the chair.

  "Remember when she got drunk and tried to sleep with the both of us," I say as I rub my stomach.

  "And that was the last day I ever hung out with her, when was that?" Alice says tugging on the bottom of my slip.

  "Two years ago on Valentine’s Day," I say sipping on wine.

  "I’m going to go grab your dress," Alice says as she walks out the room.

  "So really do you think it’s wise to jump out of one relationship into another," Michelle asks with a serious face.

  "Yes I truly do think it’s wise, I’ve never been alone. Since I was sixteen I’ve always had a boyfriend. I couldn’t stand to be alone I need the comfort of a man and it’s a blessing to know I’ve finally found a good man."

  "But how do you know you’ve only known him for three minutes? He is just a rebound guy, you’re not supposed to fall in love with the rebound," Michelle speaks with anger in her voice.

  "Look this is my choice to make, not yours. If I’m making a mistake then I guess I’ll have to find out," I shoot back at her.

  "I’m so sorry, I really did not mean to offend you, just had to know if you were ready for this."

  "Well I’m ready and positive he is going to be a good father and wonderful husband."

  "I’m back," Alice says holding my wedding dress and shoes. My dress is beautiful halter dress that is floor length and has a chiffon fabric that covers my belly perfect. A silver sash separates the breast from the rest of the dress. The bottom of the dress is covered in beautiful crystals. I choose a really low closed-toe heel with a bow on the back to accent the dress.

  The girls start working quickly to get me in my dress. As soon I as get my dress on my make-up artist starts my face while her partner does my hair and they finish in thirty minutes and leaves me with some time to spare.

  "You look beautiful," Michelle says as a tear rolls down her cheek.

  "Yes you are," Alice chimes in.

  "Thank you, I couldn’t have done this by myself," I say tearing up.

  "You better not cry and mess up that make-up," Michelle shouts at me.

  "Ash, you know I love you right? But how in the world did you and Derrick pull off a wedding in one night. He proposed to you last night and now you’re getting married this morning," Alice says while wiping the tears from my face.

  "A lot of stress, hugs, kisses, and contacts. Derrick paid for everything; he said the money was from extra savings that accumulated over the years. I pulled all of my contacts, the girl who did my make-up and her partner charged me a low price because I bring them customers all the time. The venue was provided by yours truly Ms. Basset herself. My photographer heard I was getting married and offered to do my wedding for free. I helped him plan a last minute surprise birthday bash for his seventeen year old daughter. My caterer did my wedding for half price because I provided them with ten percent of their customers. My cake was made by my wonderful uncle; all I had to do was buy the supplies. Everything fell into place with this wedding, so I know it was meant to be."

  The girls and I talk until it’s time for the wedding pictures. After the wedding pictures, it was finally time to walk down the aisle.

  Ashley

  It’s been one full week since I became Mrs. Derrick Bonds, and I love every minute of it. All exce
pt the day he had me signing all type of paper work. I really didn’t understand why. It was really nice of his job at the county jail to let him have a month long vacation with pay. We haven’t been able to make love to each other but as soon as I’m allowed, I’m going to make it worth his while. Derrick has been so great to me since we’ve gotten married; he inspires me to be a good wife and mother.

  "Hello," I answer my cell phone.

  "Hey babe how you feeling," Derrick responds. The sound of his voice sends butterflies through my stomach.

  "I’m feeling a little under the weather and I’m having some serious cramps. Where are you right now?"

  "At the doctors I had to have a checkup."

  "Didn’t you already have two checks in the last month?"

  "I never said I was the youngest thing running out here, I’m thirty-five I have a lot of checkups?"

  "You silly," I laugh out loud.

  "What you in the mood to eat, I can pick something up after I leave here."

  "Nothing I was going to go look at this rental property for my expanding business but Michelle is going for me instead because the pains are really bad."

  "Do I need to come back home babe?"

  "Nope get your checkup I’ll be fine."

  "Well I’m going to call your mom so she can be with you."

  "No, don’t call her she is so over bearing," I say hoping he won’t call her. I love momma but she is doing too much when it comes to this pregnancy.

  "Too late I called her soon as I got here; she should be there in a few minutes. Take it easy she just trying to look out for what’s best for you and the baby. I have to go, the doctor is ready for me; I love you."